The not so pretty side of my life

Happy Easter everyone! He is Risen! He is Risen Indeed!

Well that's all and good, but today I am not feeling as thankful and grateful as I should be. Lately I have been posting some blogs that have been pretty positive and full of thanksgiving and love and gratitude for all that life is and what God has given me. I can't say what has caused this change of heart because I don't know what it is myself. Actually I do, it's the devil. I have heard that when we are so spiritually high, that is the time of spiritual attack by Satan because he just hates it so much.

Ugh. I am just so frustrated. First off, I wish I was with my family for Easter. I don't care about the meal or eggs or anything I just want to be home sitting with my family at church, at the table, and just sharing in love. Secondly, I have this massive paper worth 30% of my mark due on Friday and more than one time in the past 2 weeks I have lost some of my data or graphs on my computer. They just vanished. So I have to start again and redo it. Good thing it isn't everything because if it was I would just quit and not do it at all.

Coming into my third quip is the idea in my mind that God puts trials and struggles in our path to a) either make us a better person, grow in Him and persevere through the trial or b) He is telling us that this isn't the way to go and He is closing that door. Well I know that it's not b because He isn't telling me not to do my assignment, so it has to be a. However I have been attributing all these trials to Him trying to grow something in me when really it could be Satan tempting me to quit, or keep away from people, or whatever he is trying to make me do. I have gotten mad at God lately for bringing these things into my life instead of acknowledging that the devil is pulling me down and all I have to do is reach out to God for help. I say this because it's what's in my mind yet I don't believe it in my heart. So this brings me to my third and biggest complaint of all: my knee.

People say that God has a lesson to teach me out of not being able to do anything because of pain, but I don't believe it. I have been injured like this for 4 years. I haven't been able to enjoy activities like tennis, running, even walking down the street without pain. (Not all of the 4 years were like this, but most times were). At first I thought it was patience. Which I know it still is because I am not a patient person. Then I thought that there was something more important in God's will for me to do, yet nothing has come up. I feel completely like Job except I am giving up. I can't take it anymore. I can't even sit at my computer like this without throbbing pain in BOTH my knees. My good knee has been hurting so much because I have been compensating when my IT band hurt, so that's why they both hurt.

And you all say "Stop going to the gym. Stop working out. REST. Take it easy." Well you know what, it kills me not to be able to do that. I love the gym. It is the only hobby that I have here. It is a stress reliever and it makes me feel good about myself. Part of it is because I want to look good. I'll admit it. I am vain. It's not just looks though. My confidence soars when I feel comfortable in my clothes or when I can lift more weights than the guys. LOL. So No I will not stop going to the gym. I know my limits and I do not cross them. If something doesn't feel right, I stop. So it's not like I go crazy on it and then complain about the pain. Lately it has been most painful when I am sitting. Bending my legs different ways to be comfortable hurts.

I don't know what else to do. I am going to physio on Wednesday for some sweet relief which will only last like less than a day, but it's better than nothing. So yeah I guess I am just really bitter about the way my knee is making my life turn out. And Yes it does govern my life. Try doing your daily things being careful that you don't turn the wrong way so you don't hyperextend your knee. Try sitting trying to do homework while your knees throb away. Try icing your knees for hours until you can't feel your legs anymore. It ain't pretty and I am just so sick of it.

And I have looked for so many things that will help. Cartilage injections, gelatin stuff, glucosamine-chondritin, more surgeries. I don't know what is really working or what the answer to all this is. I guess at the present time there is nothing short of amputation to heal my pain. As I sit here bawling my eyes out instead of rejoicing on this Easter Sunday the only thing that brings any comfort is that Jesus suffered more. Who am I to complain about physical pain while Jesus who bore ALL of our sins was overwhelmed to the point of sorrow? He suffered so much because of all of my sin. His grace is incredible. I don't deserve to have a Father that wipes every tear from my face, whose heart breaks for mine and who comforts me. Yet I have a Father like that and so I guess I am thankful today.