RANTS!

I don't know how to talk to guys and really how am I supposed to learn? Why should I have to go to bars/party in order to meet people and "get out"? I don't want to do something I don't like or be someone that I am not. But the fact of the matter is that I don't like myself and so how am I supposed to let someone like me?! I am not confident in the way that I talk to people, or confident in my job/position or ability to perform in that job. I am unhappy with the way that I look right now (although that will change in the next 12 weeks). I don't know how to be a girl. I don't know how to be submissive so that a guy leads, to back away to play hard to get, yet still show interest and maintain a conversation. Am I that out of the loop/practice? UGH!

I need the sun. I am not really sick of the rain but I just need sun and heat. I'm back to the move down south thing. UGH!

I heard on the radio the other day that we don't make commitments or appointments because we are too afraid of a possible event/situation that might come up and we would regret making the first commitment and have to miss this new opportunity. So true. I never make a commitment because I know that something better might come up. But then I wait for that thing to come up and when it doesn't, I don't have anything to do and then regret not making the first commitment in the first place. I resolve to say yes to invitations to movies/events and make plans. I just hate getting stuck doing something that I don't really enjoy and am constantly thinking of the possible things that I could be doing instead. UGH!

So this month I am going to:
1. organize a card making class with my friends
2. workout without music so that I can talk to people
3. talk to guys my own age in the gym while working out
4. go out - to a sporting event, a concert, church event
5. do something that scares me - like helping with an INFOFIT class, go dancing

Lastly, my work ethic when it comes to work has gone down the pooper. I work out really hard and dedicate myself to this show but I can't put enough effort into work to be there 40hours a week. I am a good trainer, but I don't feel like a professional. I am though and people view me as one. I have the respect of all the trainers and most of the members of the gym, but I need to feel it myself. UGH!

UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!